The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
