I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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