i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
