you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
