dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Pants are for mortals
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
