Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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