I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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