He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
