i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
