I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
