he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
