that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so let's talk penis.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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