i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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