Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
