Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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