so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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