My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
