The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
