Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
