just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Vodka?
Forever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
