Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
