so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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