im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
