She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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