all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
