News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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