I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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