Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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