I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
