It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
