If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
