Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
