just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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