I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
