I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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