so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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