You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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