Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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