Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
