i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
