the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
God, I missed his penis.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
