the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
