I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
