Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
