I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
