It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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