I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
