I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
