It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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