The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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