How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
