When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
