Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
